Saturday, May 3, 2008

Ordinary World

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognise?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

The above lyrics are from a Duran Duran song called 'Ordinary World' and I've chosen it for this blog as I was trying to think of my first line when that song came on. Seeing as my life is somewhat in turmoil at the moment due to deaths in the family and family arguments some of the lyrics seemed particularly relevant. It also helps that I'm a Duran fan and having recently seen them in concert I've been playing some of their older stuff again.

The line 'Still I can't escape the ghost of you' always reminds me of my adored niece Isabelle who tragically passed away two years ago at the tender age of three and three quarters (those extra three quarters are very important). Belle may no longer be here physically but she's still here in spirit and certainly I feel her presence, or lack of presence at family gatherings. No matter what we're doing my thoughts always return to the fact that someone important is missing, it's as if there's something not quite right about the day.

'Where is the life that I recognise?
Gone away'
The truth is death changes you and life isn't ever going to be the same as it was two years ago. How I've longed for those days to return, but that's only possible if Belle could come back to us. My Mum looked after Belle every Wednesday and every week I'd ring up and have a chat to Belle on the phone to find out what she'd been doing with her Nanna. Sometimes I still reach for the phone to call Mum but I quickly realise what I'm doing and put the phone down.

'But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find'
Well the not crying part isn't true but it is true that I am trying to find my own way in life, a way that's more bearable than the last two years have been. It's frustrating when people tell you to move on and I also find it a bit insulting as it devalues Isabelle's life and what she meant to me. The death of someone so important isn't something you can just 'get over' but at the same time I know I have to learn to cope with her absence and try and move forward rather than moving on - 'And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive'

'Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk' I guess this is my favourite verse as it's a nice reminder that we're all just little fish in a big pond and that no matter how big our problems seem there's always someone worse off.

So here I am trying to make my life my 'ordinary world' again. I know some days will be hard but I also know there will be lots of good days and lots of new memories to treasure!

cuddles with Bella and her sister Maddy

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